Open Letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

I have a few bones to pick with you but first things first...

I don't really care at this point if you are real or not but going on the assumption that you are, I have a request: I am 300 months pregnant with a 30 lb. baby and would like to go into labor as soon as possible. If you could somehow manage to will my water to break tonight all the way from the North Pole, that would be fab and much appreciated. *Smooches*

Okay, now on to the bones...

You've got quite the scam going on. All these little kids get worked up writing you letters, visiting you (the universal 'you' anyway) at the malls and toy stores putting the bug in your ear about their holiday wants, wanting to leave out cookies for you and carrots for your reindeer, all kinds of stuff. All with the belief that you bring them the toys and goodies they long for. Oh, and you get credit for doing EVERYTHING yourself in ONE NIGHT for ALL children. Kudos to you for keeping up this facade. However, I would like to point out:

• YOU haven't paid for a single toy that was on my son's Christmas list. His list was pretty minimal this year but I can assure you that it was his parents that dished out the cash for those bad boys. I have receipts and bank statements to prove this.

• YOU didn't shop for a single thing that anyone in this house is getting for Christmas. I know this because again, I am 300 months pregnant and am 100% sure that I either ordered stuff online or took my waddling ass to the store to get everything. Oh, and don't start me on that Black Friday, er, Thursday, trip.

• YOU haven't wrapped shit. I picked out the special wrapping paper from 'Santa', kept it hidden and with the help of my mom who has taken pity on my 500 lb. ass, wrapped every swinging present here.

• Stocking Stuffers? Oh, I handled those too, thanks.

• And it is I that will be baking the cookies that get left for you on Christmas Eve 'cause obviously we wouldn't want you to die of starvation on your long ass journey. (On a good note, it will also be I who will eat every last damn cookie too.)

Bah Humbug.

Signed,

Me.