Drifting and Toxic Friendships

"What do you do when you realize that although you may have years of history, and found real value in each other in times past, that you kind of don't like a friend anymore? That, after time spent with this person, you feel drained, empty, belittled or insulted. My father always used to tell me that, 'you can't make new old friends.' How do you distinguish if someone in your life makes you change for the better or if you are better off without them?"

A very close girlfriend (who I truly do consider family at this point) and I were discussing the 'seasonal friendship" thing and I came across the above passage. Naturally, this sparked a conversation about how and when to let a friendship go, when does a friendship become toxic? Or simply, when is it okay to just drift apart?

Like a lot of things, friendships shift over time. The phases of life bring different friendships about and you never really know when the person you meet will become one of your best friends. I recently had a small baby shower attended by immediate family and VERY close friends. As I looked around the table, I realized the few girlfriends in attendance I had either known since the beginning of time (prior to kindergarten) or are a huge part of my current support system - mostly, one in the same. (The other few that could not attend were again, girlfriends I had known much of my entire life but live out of state.)

I also realized that I don't see these women in real life very often, even the ones who live in the area. As saddening as that is, I also understand that we all live busy, separate lives and that does not always allow for us to hang out on a regular basis. I know first hand how having a crazy busy life (and geography) can play a part in getting together on a regular basis. The beginning of this year was extremely busy for our family and then I ended up pregnant. My current pregnancy has been rough so I have been trying my best to keep up with most of my girlfriends via email, text or even sadder than that - Facebook. *shutter* I hate that I see what is happening in their lives on Facebook some days but some days that is all I have the gumption for... Most days I am just thankful for family blogs and Facebook posts where I can see what's going on and watch their children grow. It sucks but that is how it is right now.

The start of kindergarten for my son (and most of his friends) also brought about a shift in things. No more play groups, kids heading off to separate schools, etc... After seeing some of these women and their children almost every week since his birth, we are now occupied with other little ones, sports/activities, shuttling kids around, classroom volunteering, etc... and that just simply makes it hard to get together, despite everybody's good intentions of doing so ever-so-often. I used to get together for birthdays and the like with a local group of friends from a mother's club but that hasn't happened in probably over a year and I think that is okay. Sure it would be nice to keep that up, but I just don't think anyone has the time or inclination to coordinate the schedules and such right now. All of us are busy and have taken on different interests now that the kids are getting older. I even know some of my original play group mom pals have since joined other play groups - more power to them!

Frankly, not all friendships last forever. And they are not always meant to. People come into your life for a variety of reasons. A close girlfriend and her BFF of many years have just recently parted ways because one is married with a child and one is single and they just cannot relate any longer. The single girl just simply doesn't understand what family life with a child brings and that you cannot just drop everything to head out for a girl's weekend at a moment's notice anymore. Or that not everyone is chomping at the bit to babysit your little angel every waking second so you can go out. Their situation was completely toxic and my girlfriend just let it go because her son is more important, obviously.

I have a girlfriend that I've known forever and it feels like groundhog day every time we get together. Her story and complaints never change. It is downright draining to be around her because the situation that she has complete control over never changes. Either you have to change it or stop complaining at some point. We don't hang out nearly as often as we used to and that seems to be fine for both of us. I still consider her a friend, sure, but we are definitely not best of friends like we used to be. And the fact that both of us seem fine with this speaks volumes.

And there's always that one-sided 'friendship.' You know, that 'friend' that bitches and moans that nobody keeps in touch with him or her anymore but at the same time, your phone and email aren't exactly blowing up with messages from them either? The one who expects you to do shit for them all the time but never says thank you or has a nice word to say to anyone? Yeah, eventually those ties just get cut because it is just not worth the time and energy.

Sometimes there is a big fight or blow up that ends a friendship and for many that is easier as there is a direct end point. Other times, you simply drift and I think that can be okay too. Some friendships are more complex than others and some are simply more important to you than others are. Do you need to have a clear cut end to a friendship or are you okay with drifting apart?