I'd Like to Thank the Academy...

So this lovely lady and totally cool chica over at Jael Customs Designs gave me a Best Blog Award. I am currently doing my best Miss America wave and thanking her a whole bunch! Please check out her site when you get a chance, she's a talented freelance graphic artist and her site has a bunch of good resources, not to mention some yummy recipes (I'm all about the food!) I'm tipping my tiara to ya!

The rules state that I get to pass this along to 15 other newly discovered blogs that I love... Should any of you choose to accept this mission...post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link. Pass the award to 15 other blogs that you’ve newly discovered. Remember to contact the blogger to let them know they have been chosen for this award. And my awards go to (in no particular order).....

That Makes Sense to Me

Why Is Daddy Crying?

Confessions of a Jibber Jabber

My Sandwich Generation

Deep South Dish

Life at 45 Degrees

Nucking Futs Mama

Mocha Dad

Serendipity

Single Mom Survives

The Confused Homemaker

Peas and Bananas

Mass Hole Mommy

Hormones, Headaches and Hot Flashes

Stir-Fry Awesomemess

I hope you get a chance to check out these blogs, I recently discovered them and I like 'em all!

Couples Retreat

The Hubby and I just had a date night over the weekend and went to see this movie. The premise is that these four couples go away to this island retreat for married folks. While there, they participate in group activities and marriage counseling, etc... This is of course, all in the name of making their marriages stronger and what not. It was noteworthy to me that all these couples clicked - the guys were friends and the girls were too.

Naturally, this movie got me thinking and I found myself revisiting a question I've talked about with lots of friends and even family over the years: how often do you and your mate find a couple in which you like BOTH partners? A couple that you can do more than just have dinner with. A couple to go on trips with or share family events with, that kinda thing.

Most everyone I know is in agreement that this happens very rarely. It doesn't even necessarily mean that you dislike one of the partners, there just might not be a 'click' there whether due to personality differences or simply different interests altogether. (But of course, there is that girlfriend who always manages to find the most obnoxious asshole of a mate.) Don't get me wrong, I don't think everything between friends needs to be peace, love and happiness all around but it's nice when, every once in a while, you find a couple (or family) that you just click with.

I have two very good girlfriends that I've known for years and I could absolutely, positively not like their husbands any LESS. It's not like I can totally stop being friends with these women, I adore them. But man, their husbands make me want to vomit a thousand vomits, seriously. Being with them in any kind of situation is ugly at best. And despite the hints they've thrown out about trips together and stuff, we still haven't taken any. I couldn't do it. AT ALL. The mere thought of it, makes my skin crawl. My Hubby, the most easy going person on earth who generally can get along with anyone actually can't stand these guys either, so it's not just me being petty - they really are idiots. Really, just take my word for it. Oh, and they probably don't read this so, I'm golden on that front.

Then, there are other couples who you meet and might not have known as long as your closer friends and you just know that you could go on a family trip with them or could hang out for a weekend doing something fun. Double date even (as strange as that sounds to me, blech.) But whatever "it" is, it just clicks with these people. I find it strange that you can know that right away, without having to know people for your entire life. (Please note: there is no couple in our life that we would go to one of those retreats with and strip down buck nekkid in front of. Just throwing that out there. Because, obviously. I don't want you getting the wrong idea. We don't throw down like that no matter how much love we have for ya.)

Are there a lot of couples in your life that you could go on a couples retreat with?

Why I Pay For Swim Lessons

I am taking this picture.
Sitting poolside.
Wearing REGULAR clothes.

I pay good money so this kid can swim by himself and so there is no

need for me to wear a bathing suit in public. At this point, I might

even be willin' to pay twice what I already do.

10 People I Wish Would STFU

Me and Stacy's Mom were discussing this over email not too long ago: people you wish you would never hear from again. By people, I generally mean celebrities or people in the media...

In no particular order:

1. Kanye West. For the record, I wanted him to shut his pie hole long before the Taylor Swift incident.

2. R. Kelly. Would he just go away already?!?!?! Because having any kind of sexual situation with a minor is unacceptable. (And peeing on anyone is just nasty.) So was that 12 part video thing about him hiding in the closet. If you are game to even lose 5 minutes of your life, you can You Tube those videos.

3. Anyone from the Gosselin family, including the older twin girls. (Well, just the mini-Kate one.) Your 15 minutes is up guys, move along...

4. Anyone from the Lohan family. Not only are they not relevant to pop culture anymore, they are all ignorant as hell.

5. This guy. He is not racist, he lets his black friends use his bathroom. In 2009. Wow, just wow. Shut the fuck up already.

6. Michael Moore. I just can't stand him, sorry. And in the interest of having a short post today, I will not go into all my reasons why.

7. Sean Combs/Puffy/Puff Daddy/P. Diddy/Whatever other name he is going by this particular second. I don't know that any celebrity has thought quite THAT highly of himself.

8. Any rapper with the word Lil' in front his name. Wayne, John, whoever. Just go away.

9. Dr. Phil. Don't get me wrong, if there is something interesting on his show, I will watch it. (Few and far between.) However, I find him annoying. Like a God complex or something.

10. John Mayer. If he could just stick to the music and quit with the talking and the forced witty comments, he'd be good to go. But he insists on bumpin' his gums daily.

I'm sure this list will continue to grow. Would you like to add to it?

The Great Garbage Caper

I can't even believe I am about to type this...

Okay, so like every other neighborhood across this great country, we have an official garbage day. Ours happens to be Wednesdays.

Lately, we've noticed some fishy things with our garbage cans - they're moved or someone brings them up to our gate for us, etc... We don't generally think anything of this because they get picked up so early that anything is possible.

Nosy Neighbor Lady swung by our house and asked if we were missing a garbage can. Ummm, no.

Rewind... Nosy Neighbor Lady seriously knows everyone's business. She is ALWAYS out in her driveway. I swear to God she washes her Corvette every single day, regardless of her driving it. She trims her lawn daily and sweeps up every speck of dirt on her property every five minutes. I think she does this in part because she is anal and doesn't have shit else to do during the day and partially so that she can keep tabs on the comings and goings of everyone and their mother on this street. If I ever hear or see a ruckus on the block, I just ask her, because she knows the full story within .2 seconds, I shit you not.

Anyway, back to my story. After confirming that all of our receptacles are in tact, she proceeds to tell us that she thinks another neighbor stole her garbage can. I'm not really sure if she was looking for sympathy or if she thought we were gonna offer our can up, that wasn't clear. What was clear was that she wanted to rat on the neighbor.

Now, the neighbor that I'm talking about is slightly messed up too. In our first encounter, he left my husband saying the phrase, "Mount Up Regulator" from an early 90's rap song. He also refers to the rims on his Honda Civic as "sick". He is like.... 46? Oh, and some crazy chick he had living with him got hauled away by the cops because she took an axe to the BRAND NEW hardwood floors he had installed in his house like two weeks prior. Obviously, crazy attracts crazy.

On garbage day, for whatever reason, our side of the street is picked up early in the morning and the other side of the street is picked up later on in the day. We pay for the biggest garbage can (I'm not totally proud of this because it is ridiculous for a family of 2.5.) and douchebag neighbor pays for the absolute smallest can. Turns out that he moves our can (or Nosy Neighbor Lady's can) after it is emptied over to his side of the street to fill up with his own trash and then moves it back so we don't noticed that he used our can. This is pretty clever, obviously. Mind you, we would have never noticed if Nosy Neighbor Lady hadn't told us. When me and the Hubby were both working, we were gone early and back late so there was no way would have figured it out. But now, I'm home during the day.

You have no idea how bad I wanna catch him doing this. Not because I care all that much, just to catch him in the act to see what he does when he gets caught. Because really, how big of a douchebag are you for even thinking this up? Who has time in their day to devise these kinds of plans? Am I just lazy because I'd just pay the extra $10 bucks or whatever it is for a bigger can than to trek my ass out of the house at like 5 a.m. to play musical garbage cans?

This Soccer Mom Needs a Drink, or Several

You might remember my post about becoming a soccer mom earlier this year. Well, it turns out, my kid would rather poke his own eyeballs out than to play soccer so we are currently counting down to Halloween, which marks the end of the season. *Party at my house, everyone!* To be honest, I can't say I blame him. It's definitely time to get that participation trophy and RUN, far, far away. In all fairness, I don't think it's soccer in particular that he hates, but the experience has turned him off a bit to it. Some general musings from my time on the soccer field (and I'm sure there will be more since I have a month left of this nonsense):

Vicarious. The amount of Dad's that are vicariously living through their four year old sons is annoying. Coaches, assistant coaches and those guys on the sidelines. I guess it's easy to do if you're a big sports guy and heaven forbid your son rather sit on the bench or pick grass or chase butterflies. Sorry, but you get what you get. Not that there is no chance of the kid who chases butterflies ending up being the captain of the football team but in the event that said kid ends up like the kid on Glee, it's probably best to accept it earlier than later.

Bullies. My kid got the shit kicked outa him by another teammate and his older sister at the first soccer meeting, hence the reason why this soccer gig started off on the wrong foot. Despite our attempts to work this out, the parents did nothing. I guess if your kid is the best one on the team, your shit don't stink. So, naturally, we told our kid to pound his ass back. Not to advocate violence but if the parents aren't responsive, then guess what? My kid is gonna defend himself. Ironically, he did and that kid doesn't bother him anymore. In an unfortunate turn of events, my kid also punched someone, giving up a penalty kick in the last game. Soon, this will be a distant memory.

Status. Wow, who knew that kids playing in a city run soccer league could bring about so much status? Soccer moms issuing challenges to "see who wins on the field" is something I have no time for. This ain't world cup, it's the Under 5 recreation league run by the city. There's no need to show up in your Spain or Manchester United jersey and start bragging to me about your kid's participation in this league. I don't give one shit, let alone two about you, your kid or the fact that you are a soccer family. You ain't Victoria and your hubby sure ain't no Becks, woman!

Forbidden Celebrations. Ummmmm, we played a team that was struggling to score goals. It was probably the half when they scored their first goal (wait, second goal cause we scored their first goal FOR them) and naturally, in true 4 year old fashion, the boys were excited. No joke, the coach started yelling at them to "stop celebrating and get back down the field!" What. The. Fuck. Are you kidding me?

You Tube. We had a grandparent suggest that we You Tube another coach because he was ballistic and crazy. Unbelievable.

Pressure. I witnessed a father snatch a little boy's snack away from him after the game, berating him for not deserving a snack because he played awful. Told the kid he was going to play two hours of soccer later with him in the sun that afternoon. It was already 102 degrees out. When I remarked that he was crazy he asked me how else his kid was going to learn? Ummm, your kid scored like 7 goals and played almost the entire game, what the hell else was he supposed to do exactly?

When I signed up for this gig, I had it in my mind that this was to be about skill development and fun play for kids. It hasn't turned out to be that at all and to say I'm disappointed, is an understatement. There are no goalies and they don't keep score at this age for a reason, right? I find myself trying to swallow this and realize that I shouldn't have to say anything past, "THEY ARE ONLY FOUR."

And believe me when I say that I was not entertaining T-ball. But now my kid has taken to it like a fly on shit. Can literally hit baseballs for over an hour at a time. Thank God he ain't making the age cut off for another whole year. What a blessing.

Tardy to the Party

Somewhere in all those child rearing books, someone needs to write a chapter about birthday parties. More specifically, how many birthday party obligations you will have once you have a young child and all the stupidity that goes along with it.

I can't even count on two hands how many birthday parties we have been to this year alone. Obviously, we are blessed to have a good circle of friends and stuff but man, add in pre-school and I swear there are several birthday parties every month.

First off, this gets expensive. I don't mind spending the moola on kids I know and like but for kids I don't even know? That money could buy me something good, like a latte or a mocha a couple days this week. Oh, and double my complaints when I don't like the parents. Generally, my kid likes everyone. Well, he likes birthday parties anyway... My girlfriend, Trophy Wife, just received an evite to the birthday party of a kid in her son's class. At the bottom of the evite, the parent had put a LIST of gifts the child wanted. Seriously? And not like, "Oh, little Bobby likes Cars." Nope, but instead, very specific toys and book titles. Guess what kid? You're getting a cheap ass toy from the Dollar Spot at Target! Just to stick it to your crazy ass mother. I could see if this evite was going to Grandma or something but it was just an evite for his preschool classmates. Are you kidding me? Let's all say it together: TACKY. (Disclaimer: if you do this, I still think it's tacky as hell. Also? Don't do this.)

My kid is four. We've been to parties that have petting zoos and pony rides, a party on a train and even a rented out movie theatre. (Props to Confessions of a Shopaholic and Confetti Queen for those, btw.) Hell, we had our kid's party at a jumpy house place last year and I almost died writing that check. I am still trying to figure out if it was worth me not having to cook and clean the house. Hubby says definitely yes, I am on the fence.

On to the invites. I recently had coffee with my girlfriend, Mostly Granola Mama, and we were discussing at what point the obligatory invites to birthday parties stop. When your kid is a baby, the party consists mostly of your friends that have kids. But as they get older, do you still invite these people? Especially when your kid is old enough to voice his opinion about who he wants at his party? Or who he doesn't want. Cause really, if you only see those people once a year at each other's birthday parties, is it necessary to keep extending that invite? Oh, and if you're kid is in preschool, the inviting the whole class thing? FOR THE BIRDS. We don't invite the whole class and hope that those that are invited, keep their mouth shut. Confessions of a Shopaholic had a preschool family show up at her son's birthday party because she had 'heard about it' from another parent in the class. Ummm, you weren't invited right? Do you not have anything better to do on a Sunday morning than to go to a four year old's birthday party? I could think of like a million other things I'd rather be doing. Get a life people. Your kid still has a shot at homecoming King even though he wasn't invited to that one preschool birthday party.

Having said all this, I have already bought my kid's birthday party stuff for next June. He is having a pirate party, whether he wants to or not. The pirate party stuff was on clearance at Target. (C'mon, packs of plates for 58 cents? I had to.) I just now have to keep him interested in pirates for the next 8 months, right? See what these people are doing to me? I've fallen into this crazy birthday party maze trap thingy and I can't get out! HELP!

Employment Development Department

They can SUCK IT.

After being laid off, I filed my unemployment claim. It got accepted and everything was hunky dory. Got my first two pittance checks weeks and weeks later, but they came. Then, this week, I get a notice saying that my last claim form and its duplicate were filled out incorrectly.

This, I find interesting because I have filled out EVERY SINGLE SWINGING claim form the EXACT same way since the beginning. What could possibly be wrong now? Oh, and naturally, they do not tell you the problem. They tell you to call a number. I specifically need to call and speak to someone prior to October 13th before my payments can continue.

Day One:

I call 800 number. Listen to the 10 minute, boring ass recording that doesn't apply to me at all. Get to the menu where I'm allowed to press buttons. On hold forever and then finally told that due to the number of callers ahead of me, I have to call back. CLICK - it hangs up.

Repeat a half a dozen more times before I decide that I do have to tend to my life outside of this phone call. The kid needs to eat after all.

Day Two:

See Day One.

Day Three:

Now, after 10 minute non-educational recording, there is no menu option. It just says they are busy and it hangs up on you. No instructions on what to do now.

Oh and did I mention - this is the only Customer Service number?

I then decided to scour their stupid website to find and address that I could email. I am awaiting some kind of answer. Do not hold your breath, I'm not holding mine.

So, EDD department, you can SUCK IT. I see your grand plan. Spin me around with no answers until after October 13th and then you don't have to pay out my claim. Clever. I will get you bastards though. You just wait. I want my $5 claim check, damn it. I am coming for you.

Mama's Amazing Moments

Ah, parenting...

For some reason, my son seems so much older this weekend. I am not sure what it is that is making me feel this way, but I now see a much bigger boy where all I used to see was a baby. (A three foot tall baby, but still, MY baby.) He's learned some new phrases at school and the inflections in his voice are just different. Older, more mature.

This has caused me to stop and totally take pause and look back on my mommy career. I got to thinking and there are some pretty amazing mommy moments that one has in the first four years. This list includes but is not limited to:

• The distance one can shoot breast milk straight from the tap. Who knew?
• Finding out that all those baby 'sleep' books that say your child needs 10-12 hours of sleep a night are FULL OF SHIT.
• Realizing that you are THOSE parents. The ones that you talked merciless shit about before you had children.
• In an instant you can turn into White Trash Super Mom while dining at a friend's house who has perfectly behaved children as you constantly have to deal with your feral child. No wonder why you don't get invited back, hey?
• Realizing that your baby will not die when he takes his first drink of soda or non-organic vegetables.
• That you have spent more on your child's first birthday party than your parents ever spent on all of your birthday parties growing up. Birthday parties are fucking expensive.
• That you had no idea that you would start planning your kid's aforementioned birthday party like a year ahead of time. And even have ideas for years to come.
• Wondering why the hell your child waits until your entire family bikes to the local park and then announces that he has to take a crap. Then, when you get home, he naturally doesn't have to take a crap anymore.
• Realizing that potty training a boy is not as bad as everyone makes it out to be before you start doing it. Those are just intimidation tactics, I swear.
• How tough the soles of your feet get over time. After stepping on your 500th Lego or 100th plastic dinosaur, you barely even flinch.
• Realizing that everyone assumes you can't possibly be happy with just one child.
• And that bitching about that one child to your mother completely falls on deaf ears cause she's had way more. To my credit, she has said that she never had one like him though.
• Inevitably, you will catch glimpses of both of your own parents in yourself every now and then despite all the lip service you give about never being like them.
• Watching your kid run and kick stuff all the time and thinking that it would be a good idea to sign him up for soccer only to realize that he doesn't want to kick shit and run around on THOSE terms.
• Wondering how your son can spend a full 30 minute swim lesson under the water and then have a fucking conniption fit about washing his hair and water getting his eyes in the bathtub.
• Listening to your kid rattle off dinosaur names or recite entire television shows but then being dumbfounded that he can't memorize a simple command such as "Brush your teeth" or "Go potty before we leave" or "Get dressed". If I had a dime for every...
• Saying that you'd never be a parent who yells and then realizing that yes, you are a parent who yells. Primarily because your kid is so friggin' loud, you need to yell to even be heard in the first place. Yelling is the new talking at our house, folks.
• Spinning around in a tizzy, reciting, "It could be worse, he could be twins" over and over again.
• Being able to find the funny in your child showing off his inner Picasso on his bedroom walls with markers.
• Realizing that your child won't starve to death if he doesn't eat his dinner one night. Or if he has cookies for dinner another night.
• Knowing that as annoying as it is to hear your kid singing "We all live on a yellow submarine" over and over (AND OVER) your life would be so empty if you never heard it again.

Obviously, this list can go on and on and will continue to grow. He's growing up so fast and I can't stand it, folks!