Oh, the Guilt

So the whole 'yelling is the new spanking' thing totally got me thinking about all the guilt that comes with parenting that nobody ever tells you about.

Like most first time moms, I was as prepared for the birth of my son as one could be. Obviously, childbirth is something that you can only comprehend once you go through it, not really a moment before. Being the overachievers that we are, we had a birth plan, which I'm pretty sure was thrown out the window by the staff immediately upon receipt. An emergency c-section was not in the plan, however. After almost 22 hours of back labor (which totally sucks, btw) I underwent an emergency c-section because my son was in distress. It was like 20 minutes from them saying it needed to happen to my son being here. It all happened so fast, I didn't have time to freak out. Once he was here, happy and healthy, the breast feeding stint began. Breast feeding was a rough road for us, despite sticking it out as long as possible. Supply issues, a starving child, you name it.

I can't remember the exact time line, but it was in the early weeks, sometime after we first brought him home. Although I was tired and sore and he never slept, I was holding up fairly well. Then, out of nowhere, I just freaked out. I was overcome with this tremendous guilt that I was not able to have him naturally and that breast feeding was a miserable experience. I remember, trying to explain this to my husband, through vast amounts of tears. All these things that were supposed to be so "natural" were not happening for me. What was wrong with me? My body? How could millions of women before me function just fine and have a vaginal birth and breast feed with no problem? I couldn't grasp this. Never mind that my son was completely happy and healthy, right? I've since recovered and think this is ridiculous now and pretty much haven't felt guilty about anything else I've done as a parent.

Fast forward to almost 6 months ago.... my girlfriend, New Mommy, had just had her first child. He was due in for his first well check and she was freaking out. Breast feeding wasn't happening at her house either. She was miserable, the baby was miserable. She was petrified to go to her pediatrician for fear of getting ridiculed for wanting to formula feed. She was scared of being labeled the worst Mommy in the world and just didn't want to face this. I totally felt her pain. I calmly told her that she was a great mom, doing what she needed to do for her child.

Nobody ever really prepares you for the guilt. The guilt of having a c-section. The guilt of not breast feeding. The guilt of vaccinating/not vaccinating your child. The guilt for circumcising/not circumcising your boy. The guilt for co-sleeping/crying it out. The guilt of feeding your kid solids too early/too late. The guilt of potty training your child too early/too late. The guilt of working/daycare. The guilt for whatever punishment you choose to use with your own children. The guilt. The guilt. The GUILT!

At first I thought all this guilt was self-imposed but as I talk to more and more Moms, they feel it too. From being ridiculed in Mom's groups for how you do A, B and C with your own child to being coerced by pediatricians, nurses, lactation specialists into doing some things you might not want to do. At what point do we as women, as mothers, stop judging and just support?

In all honesty, I don't care too much about what goes on in my Mommy friend's homes. (Obviously, abuse and neglect would be a different story.) Why should it matter to me if Debbie chooses to formula feed? Who cares if Tina wants to co-sleep with her child until the kid goes to college? Does it matter if Lisa feeds her kids sweet potatoes at 4 months instead of 6 months? Do any of these things change my life or what I do with my child in my own home? The answer is a resounding NO. I think it's great to discuss these types of things with your girlfriends because in some instances, it provides a lot of insight and can make you see things from a different perspective. But, I have no interest in being friends with women who judge me because I chose the Baby Bjorn over the sling. The sling didn't work for us - why should that matter to anyone else? I find that with each stage of life my son goes through, there is something new that people try to make you feel guilty about. (Currently, this is the booster seat vs. a 5 point harness thing - hot topic at preschool.)

I think people lose sight of the fact that they are not the first mothers on the planet. Women have been mothering forever. Ultimately, you do what you need to do for your family. Right?!?!?! I'm pretty sure my mom did every no-no in the new, ever-changing Official Mommy Guidelines and I've managed to live to age 35 .

Going to find some wood to knock on, check ya later!