Phucking Phours

What is it with kids and 'stages' ?!?!?!?!?!??!

When you have a baby, everyone is always warning you to watch out for the 'terrible twos'. The terrible twos for us were not bad. The kid was kind of a horrid newborn (newborn phase was so overrated in this house) so by they time he got to be two, we thought we were doing pretty good. As an aside, we were (are) also really sleep deprived so he might have been a total monster and we just didn't notice. (Apologies to any caretakers for that.) But he was able to communicate, and he wasn't really a tantrum thrower. He really didn't get an opportunity to make his tantrums all that effective since we just sorta stuck him in a room and ignored him anytime it started to happen. Before you call CPS, we didn't tie him up or anything and there was no duct tape involved. And for you social-emotional-development types, sending him to his room hasn't conjured up feelings of abandonment in him - he is a-okay. But tantrums are essentially a waste of time if you do not have an audience, so we never gave him an audience. Tantrums were at a big low here.

Then, while in the midst of the twos, everyone swore up and down that 'threes' were much more horrible - especially with little boys. Great, and here we were thinking that we were getting off easy. Well, threes were okay for us too. Like really okay. Since he is a very verbal kid, he didn't have a lot of frustration since he was able to communicate very well. I think that helped a lot. I mean, it helped HIM communicate so as to negate HIS frustration but it also drove us crazy because he never stopped talking. Ever. He's not even with me while I'm writing this and I'm 100% sure that whatever he is doing at preschool right now involves him talking. Hella loud. Oh, it's naptime there. He is definitely talking.

Twos and threes aside - WHY THE HELL WASN'T I WARNED ABOUT THE FUCKING FOURS? (My girlfriend, Trophy Wife, and I have known each other since our boys were like 5 months old and she termed them the Fucking Fours at soccer practice last week.) Everyone had told me that four was this magical age where you child is normal again and acts honey-dripping sweet. In WHAT universe is this because I want a one way ticket! OH. EM. GEE, people! I am ready to sell this kid down river! The talking back is more than I can handle! I cringe and die inside a little every single time he says something snotty. Obviously, if you've read my blog, you know that I don't hold my tongue much but I do around him. But every time his mouth flies off the handle with some verbal diarrhea directed at me, the Hubby, another kid or another adult (real BIG cringe here) I just shutter. Some days I'd love to snip his little tongue right off so that he can no longer mouth off or stick it out at people. And the table manners, the table manners are atrocious! It's like he's a feral child or something. He obviously got my temper and attitude but I am NOT taking responsibility for his table manners. Those were solely created by him. At this rate, he's not gonna get invited over to a friend's house for dinner ( or any meal for that matter.) There's not even one thing that I can pinpoint about why I hate the fours so much, it's just everything! The selective hearing, the talking just to to talk (if I could just change my name from Mommy to something else for like 1 hour a day, I swear). just EVERYTHING! This strive for independence is going to kill me. Slowly but surely. And I have to live with it for at least 14 more years under my roof. I might be moving out soon. Stay posted for that blog.

One good thing he has going for him in all of this four year old mess is his sense of humor. He's always been kinda funny and picked up on comedy from an early age. Granted, all of his humor at the moment is very poop-centered so that gets kinda old but every once in a while, we have a good gem of a conversation like this one:

(In a public restroom. Naturally, because that is where all his best conversations take place.)

He went pee and then I had to go and promptly laid down an ass-gasket before I sat down.

Him: Why do you need one of those?

Me: Because I need to sit down to pee and I don't want to sit on the toilet seat.

Him: Why do you need to sit down to pee?

Me: Because girls sit down to pee.

Him: Well, you should look into getting a penis, you'd be better off with a penis.

Me (in head): Glad we're the only ones in here today.

So stay tuned about my post on Five Year Olds in a year. Nobody has warned me at all about the fives so I'm pretty sure I'm being set up.