You Know It's a Good Party When...

• Madonna, several New Kids fans, a few preppies, a Goonie, a random chick from Dynasty/Knots Landing/Dallas and that chick from the Whitesnake video all show up ready to celebrate the 1980's.
• Almost 100 jello shots are served.
• A Cabbage Patch Kid is birthed.
• The dim lighting does not affect anybody's eye shadow in any way, it's still as vibrant as in bright sunlight.
• Someone jumps into an unheated pool, fully clothed in 40 degree weather at 1 a.m. And when she emerges, her blue eye shadow is still in tact.
• Someone does the worm across the living room floor.
• Half a dozen women karaoke completely off key for the neighborhood to hear.
• Several people wake up injured the next day and have no idea how or why.
• The next day, you find house keys and lipstick on your front lawn, slippers under your couch, various tacky earrings in random places they shouldn't be and jello remnants on your recently cleaned carpet.

I have fully recovered from my 29th 80's Ladies birthday party and can say with confidence that I remember 90ish% of it. And yes, 90ish is a number.

Like, Totally Radical, Dude!

In honor of my 29th birthday last month, I am having a party this month. Actually, it's tomorrow. And we'll be celebrating the Eighties. The theme is 80's Ladies, so essentially a girls night in with lots of crap to eat and alcohol to consume.

I have put together the most ridiculously shitteous outfit. Luckily, the 80's are cool again so I was able to find a bunch of craziness on clearance. (Not that I couldn't fit into my original clothes from the 80's if I wanted to or anything, just so you know.) I saw a pair of neon green pants on clearance at Old Navy. Seriously, neon green. There was only one pair on the clearance rack, which begs the question: who bought the rest of them? I have been searching for these poor souls on the street ever since. I'm not sure that even in the 80's I would have bought neon green pants. Teal? Yes, of course. But green, I might have had to draw the line.

One of the tasks I gave the ladies was to bring a picture of themselves from that actual decade. I just found a picture of myself with my two best friends, fresh from the water slide park. Particularly noteworthy: I have Zinka on my face, two Swatch Watches on my wrist (my yellow/green/red plaid one and my purple and neon pink one, 'cause they obviously match), a cassette tape in one hand and a pair of Ray Bans in the other. (Oh, and for Stacy's Mom - I've got the sweatshirt tied around my waist, you know how we do!) I'm sure if this picture actually showed my shorts and feet, you'd see some slouch socks stacked in different colors and some ridiculously fluorescent shorts. This picture should totally set everyone at ease about pulling theirs out, don'tcha think?

Here's my checklist:

Aqua Net. Check.

Blue Eye Shadow. Check.

Bright Pink Lip Gloss. Check.

Neon Nail Polish. Check.

Scrunchie. Check.

Crimper. Check.

80's Music playlist with really Cheesy One Hit Wonders. Check.

Jello Shots. Check.

Bartles and Jaymes Wine Coolers. Check (They do still sell these, btw.)

Cabbage Patch Kid. Check.

Quintessential 80's Boy Toys - Star Wars, He-Man, Transformers. Check.

Strawberry Shortcake. Check.

Rainbow Brite. Check.

New Kids on the Block photos. Check.

John Hughes Films. Check.

Keds. Check.

Checkerboard Vans. Check.

Leggings. Check.

Michael Jackson Sequined Glove. Check.

80's Candy Collection. Check.

I'm looking forward to having fun with some of my favorite people. Let's hope I remember enough to post about the outcome!

College Bound!

This past weekend, we visited the campus of Stanford University. I've made it no secret that I would love for my son to go to Stanford for college. And preferably move on to med school and then we can all live happily ever after. Is that too much to ask? Granted, he is four but he already desires to be a paleontologist so I figure...bones are bones. Right? RIGHT? In my on-going effort to persuade him that attendance at Stanford would be in the family's best interest:

Me: Do you want to go here for college?

Him: College? That's like school, right?

Me: Yes.

Him: Ummmm, yeah, I don't think I'm gonna be going to college.

Me: Oh come on, it's like one big party.

Him: Oh, party? Oh, I'll go to the parties.

At the moment he is not a fan of Pre-K. ("It's so boring I'm gonna die if I go, Mama.") So 'school' of any sort is obviously not high on his priority list. In fact, all he talks about are his little friends' birthday celebrations. Let's hope this is not foreshadowing.

He's currently shining a flashlight into his eyeball so I'd better sign off. Plus, I need to go make a list of all the things I'm gonna buy with his college fund. He can fund his own partying! I did.

Reconnecting on Facebook

I was late to the whole social networking site thing. Never did have a Myspace. Not even sure how I ended up on Facebook to be honest. I find myself wasting a lot of time on there though. It's interesting to see what became of the kids you went to elementary school with. It's vindicating to know that you're still hotter than anyone your ex has ever dated and definitely hotter than his current wife. And naturally, your kid(s) are way cuter than his. *wink wink* But I do have some pet peeves...

First of all, my last name ain't Webster, but dayum!!!!!! When did everyone (who I went to school with) become so flipping illiterate? THOSE is not spelled THOWS. When writing the word HAVING, please drop the (hav)E(ing). This rule also applies to TAKING, BAKING - you get the idea. The plural of sky is not skys. Slang is slang, internet lingo is internet lingo, but these folks are NOT even tryin' to go for that, they just can't spell. I didn't think they flunked English back in the day. I'm just sayin'...

Along those lines... punctuation can be a good thing. Periods help to separate sentences and complete thoughts. There are also commas and question marks to help you out. It is also not necessary to capitalize every internet thought that you have. This is not so much because I think you are 'yelling' or whatever, but because it's annoying when your status is the ONLY one in all caps. It also does not help that said status is like three paragraphs long.

Is it just me or did everyone you went to school with also find Jesus somewhere in between 7th grade and now? Now granted, I'm not one for organized religion at all, but holy Mary mother of God, everyone and there mother is a Bible thumper now. Most of them would be in much better shape if they had found God like a two decades ago, I'm thinking. I haven't forgotten about all that pre-marital sex you had back in the day (I doubt your 20 year old son did either.) Or all the underage drinking. Oh, and the drugs. And that stolen car. It's cool you found God, but let's try not to pretend so hard that all that never happened. God knows that already, he was there.

Facebook will not save the world. Or the animals. Or the ozone layer. Or whatever cause you are trying to push on me. Please stop with the private messages of animal cruelty videos or list of ingredients that are really in a Big Mac. I get it, I get it....

Relatives are way more annoying on Facebook. That's all I wanted to add about that. I will deal with the repercussions of this later.

Okay, I'm done with ranting about Facebook. Truth is, all these people amuse the hell outa me and give us cool kids something to talk about <<<<------ You know who you are!

Reaching New Lows in 2010

That would be me, member-in-good-standing of the Pathetic Club. I'm not only a client, I'm the President. Oh and why, yes, that IS the cast of Jersey Shore pictured above...

Since the days of quality television seem to be disappearing before my eyes, I find myself sinking to all-time lows in the reality TV world. Granted, I could very well just turn off the boob tube and tune myself into a good book, or better yet, do something else productive but au contraire mon frere, I CANNOT. I am gripped by these ridiculous shows and these stupid ass people. I haven't quite figured out if it's just for pure entertainment or because it makes me feel SO MUCH BETTER about my own life. It could be to simply escape. These shows require no thought on my part at all (other than, of course, the "Why the hell am I watching this?" thought.) There are no deep story lines to follow, and god knows you don't need your college degree to follow along so it's good, mindless time.

This all started after I had my son. While I was recovering from the C-section, I spent a lot of time on the couch in the living room. Between Being Bobby Brown and Hogan Knows Best, I could not win. I remember seeing commercials for Flava of Love and thinking, "There is no way in hell, I will ever watch that." Like a day later, as I was walking by the living room, the Hubby had it on and was all like, "You HAVE to see this." Bam! We were watching both seasons all of a sudden. So really, this is all his fault. My Hubby and I love to people watch anywhere we go, so this is kinda like that in our own living room - only we don't have to make up stories of our own...

As I fall deeper into this trap, I'd like to share a few thoughts on my current list of horrible-ass-reality-television-shows-I-must-watch.

Hoarders - I get the whole keeping stuff thing. But why can't it ever be put neatly in a box and stored, say, in the garage? Why does the house have to be knee deep in that shit? And are piles and piles of rat shit in your kitchen cabinets really part of the hoarding or is that something else even more fucked up?

Jersey Shore - I don't even know where to begin with this. Everything about this show is wrong but so friggin' entertaining I cannot even stand it. The whole Guido thing? Totally offensive. The girls? Obnoxious. Together they are a perfect combo. The fact that girls crawl into bed with the guy who calls HIMSELF "The Situation" on a regular basis baffles me. Even in my most promiscuous days on this earth, if a dude approached me with that line, I would LAUGH MY ASS OFF.

One Big Happy Family - This is about a very obese Black family. I haven't even seen this show yet. It is getting recorded tonight but when I saw the previews - I knew it was gonna be a winner.

They need a reality show for people who watch reality shows. This shit is beyond ridiculous.

I Have a Target on My Back!

Maybe not literally and certainly, nobody is shooting at me. But like most people this time of year, I planned to do some deep cleaning around the house and general stocking up and organizing. I got up early today to head to Target for all my household needs with a list. A LIST. I never have a list. I'm not sure when I stopped with the list thing, probably somewhere around the second time I tried it because it obviously never really works. Oh, and I totally had coupons in hand, go me! In theory, I'd like to be one of those crazy couponers who save bazillions of dollars and get things they don't need for free but sadly, I am really lazy when it comes to that. So the fact that I went online and printed coupons this morning before going to Target, is a small miracle. My list consisted of:

• Toilet Paper (home and business)
• Paper Towels (home and business)
• Shampoo & Conditioner
• Garbage Bags (home and business)
• Shave Gel
• Wipes
• Kleenex
• Toilet Cleaner (home and business)
• Kitchen Cleaner
• Window Cleaner (business)
• Swiffer refills (business)

However, it did NOT include:

• A new stainless steel toaster (our current one only toasts like one side of the bread)
• Pinocchio Blu-Ray (this is totally Hubby's fault but I did get 125 Disney Rewards points for it)
• A salt and pepper grinder (to my credit, I have been looking for some nice ones but they are kinda expensive. I found a really nice set that was in Christmas packaging so it was on sale. The pepper grinder I wanted was $30 and this set was only $3.18, they are the large ones too so that was a good find.)
• About 500 other extraneous clearance items.

I think I may ban myself from Target for a while. Maybe only go once a week. Should that be a resolution? They say you are supposed to start small with goals. If I only went to Target once a week, this would be huge for me. But I think I'd be setting myself up for New Year's resolution failure if I went once a week straight away. Damn, why can't I ever get outa there with just what's on my list?

Bwahahahahaha!

Mobile blogging from Disneyland. This is a great sticker!